We had a great time at Port Orange Family Days 2011. The weather was perfect, sunny and cool. Quite a few people stopped by our booth to say hello or ask questions about counseling … Thank you everyone for making it a big success.
The winners of the Drawing:
Lauren Gawel
Twayna Titus
Dallas Remsburg
We are looking forward to Port Orange Family Days 2012 … 
A person who does not grieve hardly exists. ~Antonio Porchia
This July in San Francisco one of Port Orange Counseling Center’s graduate interns, Maritza Swinderman, presented at the America Mental Health Counselors Association’s national conference on the topic of losing a spouse while still a young adult.
Maritza’s presentation focused on the unique needs of young widows and widowers and pointed to research that helps others understand their reactions to loss, loneliness, a damaged sense of self, anger, financial stress, and their relationships with grieving In-laws as well as their changing relationships with their own parents.
Maritza attends Stetson University in DeLand, Florida. She is scheduled to graduate this December. We are proud of her accomplishment, and know that she will use her specialized knowledge to help young adults grieve and educate other counselors on the same topic. Good job Maritza!
Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.
– Helen Keller
Port Orange Counseling Center is excited to have Roger Pawlak as their newest counselor. Roger is a Stetson graduate and has a Master of Science in Mental Health Counseling. Other counselors at POCC already go to Roger to get advice on how to best help clients who struggle with addiction.
Roger counsels couples and individuals in a variety of areas. His specialty areas include addictions counseling as well as more focused Christian counseling. Roger meets people where they are at in an open, none judgmental way that focuses on encouragement.
Roger served eight years in the US Army and understands the unique needs of Veterans and their families.
CONTEST: Can you find Roger in this Photograph?
When Love Is Not Enough, by Janice Suskey, M.Ed, Ed.S, LMHC
Many of us have experienced the life changing event of “falling in love” with that one person that seems to “complete” us and with whom we hope to share the rest of our life. The birds sing, time stops, and we cannot imagine that there are two people as lucky as we. Everything about this divine “other” is magnified; their aroma, the look of their hands, the jut of their jaw, their smile ….the list goes on and on. Our eyes lock in that knowing gaze that calms our fears and allows us the euphoria we crave. All is right with our world.
Behind these rose-colored glasses, there may be many thoughts. We may never again have to experience that sense of being alone or lonely. We have achieved our bliss. We now have someone who thinks our thoughts and understands our world even better than we do ourselves. Our love is complete, until it’s not. How did we not get that this person we love so much is so immature? How did we miss the fact that they totally do not get our sense of humor? Were we really blind to how lazy, irresponsible, and controlling this person is? How did this happen?
Was Love That Blind?
Distance sets in. Avoidance or fighting begins. What happens that this one person in a million begins to seem like every one of our worst nightmares rolled into one? Was love that blind? How can it be that love is not enough?
At the point in which we become enamored of the other, there is a chemical reaction that is created in our brains which absolutely colors things rosy. We see our divine other as we see ourselves. We chose each other because we are on the same emotional level of needing other validated intimacy.
What is other validated intimacy? It is the process in which we accommodate or seek accommodation from the other in our relationship. Most committed relationships come to the point of experiencing difficulty in offering the same level of validation as was previously offered and become “stuck” as a result.
Distance begins to creep in and emotional or physical separation replaces the old intimacy when other validated intimacy comes to the limits of accommodation. Choices appear to be limited to pushing your partner to accommodate you or turning yourself over by accommodating the other.
Strength and differentiation develop when you face yourself (not try to change your partner) and begin to develop self-validated intimacy.
Janice is a therapist at Port Orange Counseling Center. If you have any questions, call 386.492.6938
Sun Stand Still: What Happens When You Dare to Ask God for the Impossible
The main theme that I took away from Steven Furtick’s book, Sun Stand Still, was that our God is more than able to answer our audacious prayers. When we ask for the impossible and God comes through, His glory is magnified. We serve a big God that answers big prayers!
Steven Furtick had a vision to plant a new church in one of the most “churched” cities in America, Charlotte, North Carolina. He wanted to reach thousands, which is certainly a worthy goal, but also a seemingly impossible one. What do you do when you have such an audacious goal? You pray an audacious prayer!
That’s what Joshua did in battle. He asked God to hold the sun in its place, and God answered miraculously. Steven applies this prayer to our lives and challenges us to pray audacious prayers when we have big decisions to make, big obstacles to face, or big dreams in front of us. He applies the principles well, stays balanced and acknowledges the potential for disappointment when we don’t see the answer to prayer we had hoped for.
I enjoyed reading the book because sometimes I have a tendency to “play it safe.” I pray prayers that I think will be easier for God to answer. That way, if I don’t see the answer, there’s no threat to my faith. The problem is, there’s no challenge to it either. I enjoyed the challenge Steven gave me.
—-Jessica Squires, M.S.
By Roger Pawlak, Registered Mental Health Counselor
As a former addictions counselor at Haven Recovery Center, family members of clients would often ask why their family member(s)/loved one(s) can’t just decide to stop using. Don’t they have enough “will power?” This question is often followed by: “I used to drink or use [substances] heavily and I was able to just put it down or quit completely. If I can do it they should be able to as well.”
Myth: If an addict has enough willpower, they can stop abusing alcohol and using drugs.
Fact: “Few people addicted to alcohol and other drugs can simply stop using them, no matter how strong their inner resolve. Most need at least one course of structured substance abuse treatment to end their dependence on alcohol and other drugs. Some achieve sobriety through participation in community–based support organizations (e.g., Alcoholics Anonymous), but relapse rates under this condition are very high. The most effective approach is one that combines structured treatment and community–based support.” - [Myths and Misconceptions about Addiction]
Addicts/alcoholics often fault their relapses on an overwhelming urge to use/drink or a “craving” that would not go away. Some people with a “sweet” tooth can relate to this concept of “craving” with the feeling of being tempted by their favorite treat. Others that smoke cigarettes can definitely relate to the “craving” notion.
But when some people find difficulty making the previous connections with “cravings,” I like to use another illustration. I ask the client to imagine that they were on a seven-day food fast and then at the end of the seventh day they are allowed to pick their favorite food to be prepared. I ask them to imagine the smell and visualize the steam coming off the food as it is placed on their plate; further I have them imagine how their mouth may begin to water at the thought of how good the food will taste. Then as they are about to dig in with their spoon or fork I tell them that the plate is being taken away because there was a miscalculation on the days and they will need to wait another 24 hours to eat.
Most people can grasp this image and then they begin to get a small glimpse of a complex system that keeps their loved one(s) locked in the vicious cycle of addiction. An addict needs a much encouragement and understanding from others to effectively arrest the craving cycle through family, community and therapeutic supports.
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Roger counsels people struggling with addiction at Port Orange Counseling Center in Port Orange, Florida.
By Patricia A. Dewees, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
School is out and with that parenting becomes even more critical as children’s lives are less structured. Parents are looking for options to ease their summer days. I feel qualified to offer an option as a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 20 years experience in the counseling field. This professional work has been augmented with additional experience in filling a variety of parenting roles first hand. In the following order, I have been a cottage parent; a biological parent; a single parent; a step-parent; a grandparent; a foster parent; and most recently, an adoptive parent. To give a one-word answer to what works for all these parenting roles, I would say “consistency” works.
My greatest learning experience came as a cottage parent where I was given the job opportunity to learn parenting techniques with other people’s children; children who lived with my husband and me because their behavior was causing problems for their families. We learned the importance of consistency.
We had the opportunity to work with six mildly retarded elementary age boys allowed us to learn that “yes” had to always mean “yes” and “no” had to always mean “no.” With this consistency, rules are followed! It took one of the boys two weeks to learn this lesson; but with us always following the same routine, he eventually joined in and was never a behavior problem for us again. This was made even more apparent when our relief couple, using their own parenting style, came to watch the boys so we could have time off. The boys would be loud and unruly with the relief couple in charge and all it would take to calm them down was for my husband and/or me to enter the room. They would quiet down and behave without one word coming from our mouths.
As a therapist at Port Orange Counseling Center, I enjoy working with parents who seem stuck in their own parenting roles and need a little support to make some changes. Raising children is the most important role God has given us to do and doing the job well leaves us parents with lifelong benefits.
Counseling with adolescents has led to a common question that I hear from many parents. Is my teen crazy?
My answer to this question is, “Yes!” Let me explain! While it is true that 95% of the brain is developed by age five, the most advanced parts of the brain do not complete their development until adolescents is pretty much over. Between the teen years, substantial brain growth occurs in the prefrontal cortex. This area is in charge of emotional control, impulse restraint, and rational decision making. So, these are all gifts that your teen has not received yet.
As adults looking back at our teen years, we may use the statement, “What was I thinking during a particular time or decision?” The response that I usually have is, “You weren’t thinking. Your brain was not fully developed yet.”
One of the most important ways to deal with an uncommunicative teenager is through the process of counseling. Your adolescent doesn’t have to be going off the “deep end” to see a counselor. As a counselor, I understand the crazy language that your teenager is speaking, and I can translate to you as the parent.
The best part is that time is on the side of a loving parent. You just have to hang on and finish riding on this turbulent roller coaster. Just like diapers, this smelly phase will end. All the work, worry, and occasional terror will pay off in the form of a personable, well-adjusted, young adult.
Parents who love their children will eventually win out because these are the parents who fight for their children. Don’t worry, you will get your payback one day. Your teenager will eventually have kids of their own, and history seems to repeat itself. Keep your sense of humor!
–Jessica Squires, M.S.
By JANICE SUSKEY
Janice is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Port Orange Counseling Center and specializes in codependency and helping people build healthy relationships.
“You must pay the rent!” the Landlord rants, “But I can’t pay the rent” pleads the put-upon renter, enters the rescuer, “I will pay the rent”! Ah, peace reigns; but at what price?
These roles (that of victim, abuser, and caregiver) are often played out in stories, movies, plays, and music are the stuff of life. They hit a common thread with many people because the truth is, most of us, have played one or all of these roles more than once in relationships either at work, school, socially, or with our families. How many times have you complained and whined (victim) about a situation in your relationship with a friend or loved one, only to find yourself caving and giving in to whatever the demand, behavior or request is you are complaining about (caregiver), then griped (abuser) about the outcome and your sacrifice either to the person you caved in to or to someone else about the person you gave in to?
Our goal as human beings is to understand our most important relationships.
“That’s just human nature.” you say. True, but it is also one of the most ultimately destructive dynamics to human relationships there is. It is the push-me-pull-you of a no win situation in which neither party is satisfied however the dynamic keeps interaction going in such a way that it simulates intimacy by creating engagement without ever honestly taking ownership or straight forwardly asking for what one needs. In the long run, both parties will typically become worn out and disengage rather than go through profitless engagements or believe they are engaging and engage for engagements sake, repeating the cycle, whether or not it’s productive, for the sake of the habit which simulates intimacy at the price of never really getting close.
Our goal as human beings is understand ourselves and to understand our most important relationships as to our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. This requires us to know ourselves and be willing to take ownership of all the pieces of who we are (weaknesses and strengths) and risk letting others know us as well. Sounds simple but for many of us it is a huge undertaking. Often we have not had the equipping or role models to live in such a congruent and clear manner and knowledge never has created change without some type of implementation.
This weekend I was sitting on the beach with my family, enjoying the Florida sunshine and waves, and it crossed my mind that if I ever write a book about marriage I’ll title it: Friends With Benefits: Five Steps To A Happy Marriage.
As a marriage counselor I come into contact with unhappy couples a lot and I have noticed that what marriage researcher John Gottman says is true. Couples who focus on and foster friendship tend to be happy.
Although important, sex does not hold faltering relationships together. I talk to couples all the time who report great sex (with each other no less) but otherwise cannot stand to be in the same room. Far more important than bedroom delectation is the ability to do life together.
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Four hundred years ago, when marriage was more or less a property contract, people were too busy, trying to stay alive, to be burdened with emotions like romantic love. Romantic love existed for sure, Shakespeare assures us of that, but in a purer form. Love was first something one did. It was defined by behavior. Now, if couples don’t feel like giddy teenagers into the third year of marriage they often start a slow downward spiral and divorce somewhere down the road. Sad and unnecessary.
If we cannot rely on duty, the antidote for the modern couple is friendship. It works, it is fun, and best of all it often includes sex. Cool. Thus the title of the book, Friends With Benefits.
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At the end of our day on the beach we packed up our towels and sunscreen, and walked back to the truck, side by side. Friendship, and love, and commitment have gotten our marriage through some difficult times. I’m lucky. My wife truly is my best friend. And there is more than one benefit to that.
Father, thank You for life. Thank You for the gift of friendship, that we can be friends with the one we love intimately. Father we ask for Your blessing and that You bless the marriages of those who read this. In Jesus name we cry out to You.
